Ramblings of a Newbie Prof

Ok, so I haven't written on this blog in a really long time . . . and there is no guarantee that I will keep up with it now . . . but here goes nothing.

So, since last I wrote, I have graduated from the University of Alabama, and am no longer a graduate student. I am a full-fledged PhD. A doctor . . . what does this mean? From my perspective, it means that I now have only one job. That's really nice. It's nice to have one place to go to work and come home. That's the simple explanation. The more convoluted explanation is that it is A LOT of work. Anyone who says, "wow, it must really be nice to make your own hours and have summers off . . . be glad you don't work in the REAL world", needs to be punched in the throat.

I have discovered that even though I am one full year out of graduate school, my graduate student mentality continues to persist. In faculty meetings, I give my opinions, often, but all too often they are presented in an apologetic tone. I speak kind of like I'm backing away from my words as I'm saying them. I act like the newbie. I act like the youngest person in the group. . . and, I am. However, it makes me wonder if I will ever shed my graduate student skin . . . and, do I need to? Is the only way to keep from becoming a PhDiva to keep some of that graduate school skin so as not to ascend to the top of Mount Academia? I'm not sure.

My first year has been eye opening . . . mostly in a good way. I LOVE teaching. LOVE IT. But, I always have. Becoming a PhD has not changed that aspect of my personality. I am most comfortable in front of a classroom interacting with my students. The faculty part of my job is less than thrilling. I find myself getting caught up in the detail of the day to day shit you have to do as a faculty member.

My job is split up into several different categories: Teaching, Service, and Research. The teaching part I've already discussed . . . I LOVE IT. The service piece is both departmental and community based. The departmental stuff I'm forced to do, and therefore, I get it done. The community stuff has proven a little more difficult as I'm in a new place and don't know anyone. i'm trying to get involved, but I'm not feeling terribly motivated. The research part is the real problem. I have no issue pitching proposals to conferences . . . it's kind of mine and Dr. L's thing. However, writing based on my dissertation or any other bits of interesting research seems to be an insurmountable task. I have sat down on several different occasions and attempted to write . . . not working. I'm even working on an easy article with two other faculty members . . . all I have to do is write a policy piece based on stuff I did in my dissertation . . . I wrote something . . . not very good . . . I knew that when I sent it, and, as I could have predicted, I got a response that said it wasn't enough. Even though I knew this was the response I was going to receive, it sent me spiraling into a mini-depression. Ughs. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why can't I write? Why don't I want to? My faculty mentor says I need to develop a strict writing schedule . . . not my forte. However, I will try this summer to start . . .

I'm kind of just rambling at this point. I hope I pick this up and continue to write . . . it helps to ramble . . .